see you on sundays

days leading up to the days of wonder and wander and just sitting on the couch or grass with people i love and persons i love. saying goodbye to people i love – more skyping to last four more years but this time, from the other end not here. saying goodbye but hoping to see you in two years – this is what i say to all the guys in the army who are considering the US, especially good friends and confidantes. those friends you only need to say a few words to and you know you can have conversations that will last forever. watching people from the past find other people and the world becomes a little smaller, wondering about similarities and differences. new connections, re-connections, it really has been amazing and will be far more amazing still.

words can’t even say

but i am so thankful, just thankful for the pieces that have fallen in place

to people in the future: i can’t wait to meet you

thank god for the childishness in this mind

which keeps certain things very much alive

this is how it felt last year, and this is the reason why I called everyone up hastily 365 days ago. but i can’t call everyone this year, and i cannot keep giving in every year. probably just going to be my favourite boy tomorrow.

nineteenth december: i want french onion soup and molecular gastronomy. i also wouldn’t mind receiving presents from children’s sections of department stores, if you know what to get. kitschy things, crafts. pretty things.

tomorrow, i need money to disappear

Maybe it’s just the thought of nothing, and no one to look forward to that made the days go by without me counting.

the truth is, I just want tuesday to pass so I won’t be disappointed any more.

The hours that happened, why I come home at 6pm every day asking myself what I did that took so long. I can’t even count to May because that’s too many days and too far away. Maybe June, not May.

Sometimes I wonder why we can see as far as the sky, but can only touch less than a millimetre of distance. Who made the senses so unequal? If I can see the sky, I should also be able to hold you tight twenty thousand miles away.

It started with the monthesary. Now my birthday, Christmas, the new year. We will be together again before I get used to this.

note to self: I really need to stop spending whole blog posts whining about how much I miss Matt. I’m sorry.

As are over but life goes on.

Underwhelmingly so? Yeah, kinda. But we seek joy in the small things. Like today’s outfit – I’m going to document it here so that I will remember to wear this more often. Colourful top with more buttons on the left side than the right, allowing me to misbutton bc that’s always been the fun with buttoned tops ($8 from that best flea ever), h&m tank (bought in UK bc I need more tanks), jeans (RM49.90) but ive worn them since I was 10 thankyouverymuch, tribal bag from that random marketplace in malacca (RM30). Flats that mum bought so I never paid, hurray. Brother’s casio sports watch. Yes this is why I love cheap shopping.

Now I need to figure out why I’m so bored when my outfit evidently fails to reflect so.

You owe me postcards. 7. I wonder if you’ve mailed them. I put in my last postcard that if by the time you receive that one (the second postcard and third letter), you haven’t mailed my 7 postcards, you’re screwed. I’ll be pissed. I mean it. Or at least, you should have mailed me a new one. We promised we would send each other a postcard a month, so by the end of this ordeal we’d have many, so many to wallpaper our dorms. Or dorm, depending. So far it’s been 3 months. I missed a month but I sent it to you in soft copy. I still win, no matter what. It’s not supposed to be about winning. I’m not supposed to count. But maybe I’m trying to hint with all my novelty gifts that I’m just a girl who needs all this in return to remind me you’re still very much into this. It’s so superficial, but I think you can afford postcards.

If I get a Postcrossing postcard before you send me one, I swear I need to rethink flying over. If you can’t bring yourself to walk to the post office, I’m not going to spend $1300 minimum to see you. This may sound horrible, bitchy, and me putting my ego before our relationship, but this is how I feel right now. Or maybe, it’s because you’re not awake yet. Maybe when you wake up with a good morning message, I’ll melt away and all this angst will mean nothing to my sweetened soul.

Right now, I’m just channeling my ‘I miss you’s into this short post. At some point, I get too upset with LDRs that I apologise in advance to whoever reads this still, but you’re going to see more of this.

Until I see you again.

(edit: I swear I was over-sensitive that night. Never again.)

today i found out just a little more about vulnerability, and came to the realization that vulnerability is the reason why i feel joy, the reason why i feel love, the reason why i live. it’s just about giving a little bit more of myself to this world and the people who love me. it’s comforting to know that just i tell you i love you first, and shamelessly tell you exactly how i feel, i’m not being weak, i’m not being showy, i’m just being myself.

somehow, a little bit of me felt better in that 18 minutes, giving a little more street cred to what I tell myself quite a lot. in 5 days, i’ll start to think about how to get to you a little sooner. you turn me to mush, and i’m not afraid to admit it.

graduation was a celebration of our collective memory. i know we were lost in our own bubble, but everyone was. i never knew till graduation that i would miss these two years. how much i treasured all the different groups of people i hung out with. because i know everyone of us is going to be somewhere fairly prominent in society, it’s not going to be hard to find everyone again someday. for now, we let the days slip by, and one month later we will be free.

it was the familiarity of warmth, closeness, and comfort.
you’ll always be someone to me.

I miss the times I had shelves of books. Shelves, not cupboards – cupboards without doors are called bookshelves. I miss the feeling of sitting by my old one and just pulling out books with unfamiliar spines. Nowadays books unread get shoved to places and I forget too easily. How do people decide what books they want to buy before they read them? Maybe that’s why I buy more non-fiction books, it’s harder to go wrong.

Okay the truth is I came here because I wanted to leave these lines somewhere. From a book that fell out of my last open shelf, chanced upon while cursing the person who pulled out a book from it and made all my books fall:

“Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough”

- Karl Heinrich Marx (on his deathbed, to his housekeeper)